Thursday, September 30, 2010
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By:
Jo
Fix You
I know Coldplay is one of your favorite bands, and this song was your song about mom and dad, but now this song means so much to me because of you. I wish i could fix you like you always fixed me. You were always there for me. From, fighting my battles and getting the snot beat out of you, to letting me wear all your clothes so i could be cool lol, to all those silly dance routines we'd learn just to dance in front of the mirror in our room, to the late night talks, the teaching me to drive even though i was only 13 lmaooo, for showing me that i could be brave when i gave Andon up for adoption, for helping me and supporting me through my drug addiction. YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE TO FIX ME. And i wish i could fix you. I love you so much Jo! I wish i could take your place! Be brave. Be strong. Fight. You are and always will be..My Hero.
Love,
Not just from me, but all the people in your life that love you!!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
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By:
Jo
Today
I've got a big day ahead of me today. And though i started this blog to talk about my illness, I admit its hard to do. Because what do you say really? For me i think its hard to talk about because my mother died at the age of 50 from the complications of Breast Cancer. I moved home when she became really ill to take care of her and to be there for my father and while i was strong enough to support her, by the time she died, it traumatized me for life. I remember that i became so angry, and so confused. My mother and i had a really rough relationship, but i loved her....i loved her with all the shattered crazy pieces of what we had.
But i will try......
They're going to put me on a different treatment plan, a more intensive one. I don't quite know all the medical terminology but it's gonna be rough. Originally when I started doing chemo, the plan was simple enough. They said i was young, it hadn't spread, it'll be a few months of chemo, surgery to remove the lump, and if all goes well, remission better known as cancer free. But things aren't going that well, the chemo isn't breaking the cancer cells down, my body is not reacting to the form of chemo I'm on so today were gonna do another MRI and more blood work. And discuss the next step. Tuesday a specialist was there, i call him the grim reaper as he had nothing good to say. But i wont go into those details. Not yet anyway......
But i will try......
They're going to put me on a different treatment plan, a more intensive one. I don't quite know all the medical terminology but it's gonna be rough. Originally when I started doing chemo, the plan was simple enough. They said i was young, it hadn't spread, it'll be a few months of chemo, surgery to remove the lump, and if all goes well, remission better known as cancer free. But things aren't going that well, the chemo isn't breaking the cancer cells down, my body is not reacting to the form of chemo I'm on so today were gonna do another MRI and more blood work. And discuss the next step. Tuesday a specialist was there, i call him the grim reaper as he had nothing good to say. But i wont go into those details. Not yet anyway......
“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car”
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
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By:
Jo
Love
"If in this lifetime, I wont get to have you,
I'll make sure that if I meet you in my next life
I wont have to think twice on saying that "I waited a lifetime to say I love you..."
I think that there is no greater loss in life, than the loss of love. When it comes to love, everything is involved. You take chances, you take risks, you trust, you give your heart, you give pieces of yourself until all your left with is just a shadow of who you used to be. And if your lucky, who you give your all too will be your match, will be your soul mate, will be just as consumed by that love as you are. If not, be prepared for a long painful journey.
I fell in love with my best friend. My blog title "Reisen" is inspired by him. It means Journey.
I fell in love because our hello's turned into I missed you
our teasing and joking turned into flirting
our I'll see you later turned into don't go yet
our rude nicknames turned into sweet pet names
our hanging out turned into spending time together
our conversations turned into hours of listening and drowning in each others voices
our funny faces we made at each other turned into gazing at one another
our friendship turned into love
And Love will either last forever or forever turns out to be only a short time. My forever turned out to be a little over a year.
So now here I am fighting two battles. One being for my life, the other being for my heart. And the truth is I wanna fight for both. Both are worth fighting for. When love ends people always say "he's not worth it" (I've said this many times), but actually he is. He is worth fighting for, aching for, crying for,he is worth all those things because for me to say he isn't ,meant that my love was a lie, how could i have loved someone that much only to now say he's not worth it. He is! He is just not the one for me anymore. And that is the fight i have to fight to realize and accept and try to let go.
So to you my sweetheart, my best friend...I love you....and i hope when we meet again....our hello's will be "where the hell have you been wanker" lol :) :p
Love, Journey
"Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it difficult"
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
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By:
Jo
Intro
Hey World,
I haven't had the chance to properly introduce myself and give a little bit of bio so here goes....
My name is Journey, I'm 34 years old and I have Cancer.
Phewwww now that i got that off my chest lol. My sister summer encouraged me to use this as a way to tell my story, to let out my inner feelings, to leave something behind if ever the outcome were grim. She thinks i have a talent....and i think.....that sisters will always believe in you no matter how horrible of a singer, or dancer or whatever the case may be, they will still believe in you.
I was born on the Island of Honolulu Hawaii on February 24th 1976. Born to two wonderful slightly hippie'ish parents, William & Seila (pronounced "Sayla") Toala. I was given the name Journey due to my moms many many travels during the course of her pregnancy with me. It turned out to be quite the fitting name, cus when i was born, i was born very ill and my parents were told I wouldn't live passed the age of 3. Fast forward 31 years later and I'm back right where i started, fighting for my life again.
Soon after my birth my parents moved to the Island of Samoa so that my grandparents could help care for me while my father was always traveling due to his job and my mother was a teacher. But as the first year and 2nd year passed on my health continued to diminish until finally the doctors told my parents they either had to prepare for my death or seek medical help where i can be better treated and diagnosed. My father had a sister who lived in America so he gave her a call and told her what was going on. She told him to bring his family there and they can try to get the help I needed. My father left New Zealand (where he was working at the time) went to Samoa, packed up his wife and children and moved us all to America. Soon after our arrival I was admitted into the first proper hospital I'd ever been in and several weeks after that, I slipped into a coma.
My father wasn't there for my birth, but he has told me this story many many many times over the course of my life and I smile every time he tells me of the day I awoke. It's too long to go into but he calls that day, the day I was born, the day I came to life and he was there....just me and him in that small hospital room. I was never that sick again...until now.
My dad....he was my hero. He is why i am who i am today. He guided me and raised me with love and respect for all things and all people. When angry he only spoke with firm words but never lifted his hand against me. He taught about life and the choices we make, the consequences we have to accept and that above all else we are the only ones in control of our Destiny. My mother on the other hand was quite the opposite. And maybe I'll tell you all about that, another time :).
So I pretty much grew up in California. I was such a tomboy. I played marble with the boys, raced other boys on bikes and skateboards, i was always dirty lol, never combed my hair haha when my dad came home from work everyday I'd go running up to his car as he pulled in and i'd ask for a dollar and then all the neighborhood kids would walk down to the candy store and buy whatever we could and back then you could get alot for a dollar!!! Being a tomboy though had its downsides for me. I was picked on alot and beat up alot. As i grew up and grew into my awkward tween and teen years, my life became miserable. I was the class outcast, made fun of for the clothes i wore, the way i looked etc. etc. Kids can be mean. When i turned 13 my parents made the decision to move to Salt Lake City, Utah. And this is where my life changed forever. Utah will always be my forever home.
And i think I'll end on that note. until next time.....
Journey
"Live your life today, to have no regrets tomorrow"
I haven't had the chance to properly introduce myself and give a little bit of bio so here goes....
My name is Journey, I'm 34 years old and I have Cancer.
Phewwww now that i got that off my chest lol. My sister summer encouraged me to use this as a way to tell my story, to let out my inner feelings, to leave something behind if ever the outcome were grim. She thinks i have a talent....and i think.....that sisters will always believe in you no matter how horrible of a singer, or dancer or whatever the case may be, they will still believe in you.
I was born on the Island of Honolulu Hawaii on February 24th 1976. Born to two wonderful slightly hippie'ish parents, William & Seila (pronounced "Sayla") Toala. I was given the name Journey due to my moms many many travels during the course of her pregnancy with me. It turned out to be quite the fitting name, cus when i was born, i was born very ill and my parents were told I wouldn't live passed the age of 3. Fast forward 31 years later and I'm back right where i started, fighting for my life again.
Soon after my birth my parents moved to the Island of Samoa so that my grandparents could help care for me while my father was always traveling due to his job and my mother was a teacher. But as the first year and 2nd year passed on my health continued to diminish until finally the doctors told my parents they either had to prepare for my death or seek medical help where i can be better treated and diagnosed. My father had a sister who lived in America so he gave her a call and told her what was going on. She told him to bring his family there and they can try to get the help I needed. My father left New Zealand (where he was working at the time) went to Samoa, packed up his wife and children and moved us all to America. Soon after our arrival I was admitted into the first proper hospital I'd ever been in and several weeks after that, I slipped into a coma.
My father wasn't there for my birth, but he has told me this story many many many times over the course of my life and I smile every time he tells me of the day I awoke. It's too long to go into but he calls that day, the day I was born, the day I came to life and he was there....just me and him in that small hospital room. I was never that sick again...until now.
My dad....he was my hero. He is why i am who i am today. He guided me and raised me with love and respect for all things and all people. When angry he only spoke with firm words but never lifted his hand against me. He taught about life and the choices we make, the consequences we have to accept and that above all else we are the only ones in control of our Destiny. My mother on the other hand was quite the opposite. And maybe I'll tell you all about that, another time :).
So I pretty much grew up in California. I was such a tomboy. I played marble with the boys, raced other boys on bikes and skateboards, i was always dirty lol, never combed my hair haha when my dad came home from work everyday I'd go running up to his car as he pulled in and i'd ask for a dollar and then all the neighborhood kids would walk down to the candy store and buy whatever we could and back then you could get alot for a dollar!!! Being a tomboy though had its downsides for me. I was picked on alot and beat up alot. As i grew up and grew into my awkward tween and teen years, my life became miserable. I was the class outcast, made fun of for the clothes i wore, the way i looked etc. etc. Kids can be mean. When i turned 13 my parents made the decision to move to Salt Lake City, Utah. And this is where my life changed forever. Utah will always be my forever home.
And i think I'll end on that note. until next time.....
Journey
"Live your life today, to have no regrets tomorrow"
Friday, September 17, 2010
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By:
Jo
Past
An entry from Jo's journal
written on Friday July 10, 2009
My Father Part 2
March 26,2009
Somewhere between last night and this morning i managed to sleep. Did last night really happen? Or was it all just a horrible nightmare? The burning in my eyes confirm what i know to be true...last night my father died.
I wanna lay there and be miserable, hate the world, hate everything that's good because the one person in my life, my hero, my friend, my father was gone. But other things take precedent. For one I had a doc appt. Im nervouse because im 9 months along and worried that I wont get a clearance to fly at so late into my pregnancy. I panic a little at the thought that he may deny me. But nothing and I mean nothing was going to keep me from Dads............funeral. There...for the first time, I said it. "Dad's funeral." Ugggh.
I get up to get ready and launch myself into planning mode, and push out all sad thoughts under the carpet for now. I jump online to start searching for flights. This is gonna cost an arm and a leg im sure. 4 tickets from MD to SLC for Saturday a mere 2 days away. Flights checked i start going through the house to gather up clothing to start the laundry. Pause.....contractions. Not so bad...not painful, but somewhat uncomfortable. They started about 3 days prior. But still very random and no pattern to them..whew. Please hold on baby, i think to myself,. I find myself talking to God asking him to give me a little more time...just to make it back home. I jump in the shower, making mental notes of what needs to get done. Showered and ready i drive to my doc appt. On the way I get sporadic calls from home with updates. Extended family have come to support us. It's a great comforting feeling. I'm sad that I'm not there to be apart of that. I'm beginning to feel guilty for not being apart of that. For leaving....I push the thoughts out. Im at my doc appt now. I've decided not to tell doc that I have been having contractions. I refuse to allow anything to block my way. I know its wrong, but I have to get this clearance. He checks me, tells me im at 3 centimeters. He tells me if i dont have baby by April 17th he'll induce me. This gives me hope. So I have plenty of time and even at 3 centimeters he still feels I have a bit to go.....whew. I tell him of my fathers passing. He comes over and hugs me. Im surprised by this gesture. I have not liked my doc since the moment I was switched to him. He was always cold and not very personable. Never gave information unless i asked. Now here he was hugging me, offering his condolences. And for the first time......I love my doctor. The clearance was given....whew!
On the way home im on the phone. I give everyone the thumbs up and everyone is relieved. They are worried for me. I tell David the news and he puts in his request for time off. I head home and confirm all our Utah arrangements. Flights, Hotel, Car. Checked! Pause....Contractions. Breathe Journey...breathe. They are still far and few in between. Dont worry just get through the list of to do's.
David comes home and we clean, pack, take care of bills, do a thorough checklist of the house and what needs to be shut off. I keep my mind focused and off my dad. But every so often, I have a brief moment and a memory comes in focus. Our last conversation had only been the night before he died. One that I almost passed on after talking to my brother Malu. "Wanna talk to dad?" he asks. Uhmm nah he's prolly tired and sleeping. No dont bother I'll call em tomorrow. You sure? I think he's up lemme go check, I'll get em for you. No it's okay i'll call em another time. You sure? yeah...well you know what? yeah lemme talk to him. Ok hold up.
Hello? my father says in a cheerful voice
Hey Old man i say.....and we laugh hysterically like always. His laugh...I begin to cry remembering his laugh.....
*While my sister is ill, i'll try to post random journal notes from her actual journal and maybe some updates on whatever she allows. I read this and wanted to share it here. The day she landed, she went into labor later that night and had the baby the next day. So in the course of 4 days she lost a father and gave birth to a strong healthy baby boy.
written on Friday July 10, 2009
My Father Part 2
March 26,2009
Somewhere between last night and this morning i managed to sleep. Did last night really happen? Or was it all just a horrible nightmare? The burning in my eyes confirm what i know to be true...last night my father died.
I wanna lay there and be miserable, hate the world, hate everything that's good because the one person in my life, my hero, my friend, my father was gone. But other things take precedent. For one I had a doc appt. Im nervouse because im 9 months along and worried that I wont get a clearance to fly at so late into my pregnancy. I panic a little at the thought that he may deny me. But nothing and I mean nothing was going to keep me from Dads............funeral. There...for the first time, I said it. "Dad's funeral." Ugggh.
I get up to get ready and launch myself into planning mode, and push out all sad thoughts under the carpet for now. I jump online to start searching for flights. This is gonna cost an arm and a leg im sure. 4 tickets from MD to SLC for Saturday a mere 2 days away. Flights checked i start going through the house to gather up clothing to start the laundry. Pause.....contractions. Not so bad...not painful, but somewhat uncomfortable. They started about 3 days prior. But still very random and no pattern to them..whew. Please hold on baby, i think to myself,. I find myself talking to God asking him to give me a little more time...just to make it back home. I jump in the shower, making mental notes of what needs to get done. Showered and ready i drive to my doc appt. On the way I get sporadic calls from home with updates. Extended family have come to support us. It's a great comforting feeling. I'm sad that I'm not there to be apart of that. I'm beginning to feel guilty for not being apart of that. For leaving....I push the thoughts out. Im at my doc appt now. I've decided not to tell doc that I have been having contractions. I refuse to allow anything to block my way. I know its wrong, but I have to get this clearance. He checks me, tells me im at 3 centimeters. He tells me if i dont have baby by April 17th he'll induce me. This gives me hope. So I have plenty of time and even at 3 centimeters he still feels I have a bit to go.....whew. I tell him of my fathers passing. He comes over and hugs me. Im surprised by this gesture. I have not liked my doc since the moment I was switched to him. He was always cold and not very personable. Never gave information unless i asked. Now here he was hugging me, offering his condolences. And for the first time......I love my doctor. The clearance was given....whew!
On the way home im on the phone. I give everyone the thumbs up and everyone is relieved. They are worried for me. I tell David the news and he puts in his request for time off. I head home and confirm all our Utah arrangements. Flights, Hotel, Car. Checked! Pause....Contractions. Breathe Journey...breathe. They are still far and few in between. Dont worry just get through the list of to do's.
David comes home and we clean, pack, take care of bills, do a thorough checklist of the house and what needs to be shut off. I keep my mind focused and off my dad. But every so often, I have a brief moment and a memory comes in focus. Our last conversation had only been the night before he died. One that I almost passed on after talking to my brother Malu. "Wanna talk to dad?" he asks. Uhmm nah he's prolly tired and sleeping. No dont bother I'll call em tomorrow. You sure? I think he's up lemme go check, I'll get em for you. No it's okay i'll call em another time. You sure? yeah...well you know what? yeah lemme talk to him. Ok hold up.
Hello? my father says in a cheerful voice
Hey Old man i say.....and we laugh hysterically like always. His laugh...I begin to cry remembering his laugh.....
*While my sister is ill, i'll try to post random journal notes from her actual journal and maybe some updates on whatever she allows. I read this and wanted to share it here. The day she landed, she went into labor later that night and had the baby the next day. So in the course of 4 days she lost a father and gave birth to a strong healthy baby boy.
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| Dawson William Mikovich & his beautiful mommy |
Hi World
Hello World,
My sister encouraged me to start this blog as a way for me to kind of document my thoughts, feelings, ideas and my Journey....
Till next time,
Jo
My sister encouraged me to start this blog as a way for me to kind of document my thoughts, feelings, ideas and my Journey....
Till next time,
Jo
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