I've had a horrible day thus far. I've been sick and spent the night at the hospital hooked to an IV, but im home now…and im feeling somewhat less whats the word? I don't know…..I only know that….lately….the feeling of me being sick has sunk in. Before, i feel like i pretended I wasn't really sick. That i just had a slight cold or something. But as the treatments come along, I feel like im being consumed by it, like its forcing me to accept what I have,and to really face the reality of what I have. And last night when i was laying in that room and i was staring at the curtain they use to separate patients……..I felt this utter loneliness. I felt like everything around me was crumbling. I thought about my marriage and what had happened. Was it my fault? was i not enough? did i not give enough? Did i fail in that marriage and that's why it fell apart? I thought about my father who was my world. What would he say to me right now if he were still here? Would he be proud of his little girl still? or would he be disappointed in me? I thought of my mother and the relationship we never had until her last few weeks she was alive. I wondered what I did wrong to make that relationship what it was. Why out of her 4 daughters, I was the only one she wasn't close to.Why she treated me the way she did…what did i do to make such a loving mother to my sisters, not so much a loving mother to me? I thought about my Aiden…who was only with me for 3 years, how awful i treated his memory. How i deleted him from my life. How after burying him i just removed all things that had to do with him, how i refused to talk about him or even say his name. I cried thinking about him and feeling this deep regret and wishing somehow i could change the past. And i thought about my children. The fears i have for them. The fear of them losing a mother…..I thought of my children and felt like if there was nothing…nothing in this life at all worth living for……….They were the reasons!!!
